One year ago today, July 1st, 2014, my former husband walked out of the family vacation and out of our marriage for good. It was the fourth time he had walked out & the first time that I did not take him back. Once I got over the shock of him abandoning his children, on vacation, with his family around, I felt relief: a deep, core, peace that I had not felt in years.
A dear friend looked after me that day a year ago. She collected me from our vacation home when I found the note on the kitchen table. She drove me round and round the island for a few hours until I was in a place to return to my kids. She said “today is the first day of your new life.” And that’s how I felt.
One year later, life is different. I am happier – which my children and my friends have all noticed. I am no longer living in a stressful, unpredictable home, which makes me and my children feel much calmer. I feel lighter, more free and I am living my life.
My children spend time with both of us and navigate the moving back and forth with grace and patience. Currently, we share an au pair, so my children have someone who is consistent between both homes.
The biggest change for me, is the realization that it is okay to take my feelings into account as a primary guide for my behavior. For years I had prioritized the feelings of my former husband and my children and used their feelings as the primary guide for my behavior. Now, I recognize and understand the value in paying attention to my own feelings and also considering them as a basis for action.
This transition began when I started studying Ayurveda and I recognized the importance of understanding and caring for myself if I was going to show up as the best version of myself. I needed to learn to place value on what I wanted, and what I knew would make me feel comfortable. These self-care practices have served me well during this year of transition.
My work this past year, which is in no way complete, is learning to define myself not in reference to anyone else. Learning that actions speak as loudly as words has also been something I’ve been learning to pay attention to this year. Am I reliably present for my children? Do I turn up at events, music classes, soccer matches? These are the actions that communicate my feelings towards my children.
On Father’s Day this year, my former husband decided to spend the day with his girlfriend, not with our children. I had to explain to the kids that just because it was a day that people exchanged cards, their Daddy felt that every day was Father’s Day. Yet, I believe his actions communicated his feelings towards our children. I cannot let myself be upset by how he chooses to parent or let it get in the way of me being the best mother that I can be.
So, I as I continue to work on myself and my independence, I urge you all to find that balance – don’t de-value yourself. Don’t rate your needs and feelings as lower than those you live with. Recognize your value and strike out and cultivate your independence!
Today, July 1st, will, in my mind, be a day of celebration, a day that I define as my Day of Independence, the day when I recognized that it’s okay to sometimes prioritize my own feelings and listening to myself and acting in accordance with my wishes does not make me a bad partner or mother – it makes me strong and models self-care and self-reliance to my children. I am showing them that I won’t always take the back seat and subsume my wishes to everyone else around me.
Copyright Tamsin Astor, Yoga Brained LLC, 2015