Learning how to define ourselves not in reference to others is, I believe, a fundamental life skill. Doing things because they are right for you and not because you feel you ought to because your parents, partner, sibling told you to or did it themselves. It’s too easy to get trapped in what Richard Boyatzis calls the “ought self” in his Intentional Change Theory – acting for the sake of ought, rather than for our own deeply held values.
Sometimes we have to lose this relationship, this job, this constructed life. I have grown so much, as a result of my son’s cancer, watching my cousin die and my marriage collapsing. I write from a place where I hope you don’t have to go.
“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau
I remember as a teenager my friends who would remain in relationships that were not fulfilling, supportive or happy, because they did not like to be alone. They would just wait until someone better came along and then leave their unhappy relationship. The problem with this strategy is that the person doesn’t learn how to be happy and fulfilled on their own. They are depending too much on the other person for happiness. Inevitably this creates problem in the long-term, for these serial monogamists who eventually get to a point where they want time off, but they are not used to it and perhaps they have to end an amazing relationship, in order to heal themselves. This perpetual re-bounder needs to work on him or her-self.
I remember as a teenager my friends who would remain in relationships that were not fulfilling, supportive or happy, because they did not like to be alone. They would just wait until someone better came along and then leave their unhappy relationship. The problem with this strategy is that the person doesn’t learn how to be happy and fulfilled on their own. They are depending too much on the other person for happiness. Inevitably this creates problem in the long-term, for these serial monogamists who eventually get to a point where they want time off, but they are not used to it and perhaps they have to end an amazing relationship, if they had given themselves time to heal in between. This perpetual re-bounder needs to work on him or her-self.
I am learning this a-new. From 1998-2014 I was part of a relationship that very much defined my life. Since 2004, I have been part of the motherhood group too. As I learn to live alone, to travel alone, to eat out, go to the movies, go to see bands – all alone, I am having to come to terms with who I am – me – Tammy – not Tammy-wife, Tammy-mom. It is tempting to fill all my time with friends and meals and events, but I recognize that I need to work on myself. And that I can’t be a good mother, friend, lover if I’m not happy with who I am. I have to learn to like myself and my company and define myself on my own terms – not in reference to someone else.
As I wrote about last week, the upside to this life change is that I have become much more open and vulnerable and more willing to throw myself into whatever comes my way. I recognize the impermanence of happiness and want to revel in it when it’s in front of me, not worrying too much if it will still be around tomorrow, or five years from now.
How do we do this? Have a date with yourself every week, where you go out for coffee, a movie, to dinner, a hike with no technology, no books, just yourself. Make friends with yourself. Set limits on technology – don’t have it in your bedroom, turn off at 9pm, have sundays off – set up a schedule that you can stick to without too much stress. Figure out your life anchors. There is a theory used in business, called the Eight Anchors of Work, which include autonomy, creativity, challenge for example, and we all need some more than others. I encourage you to figure out your personal anchors: What habits do you need every day to feel like you? A walk with your dog, a yoga class, a cup of tea and a good book?
It’s easy in our narcissistic fast-paced world to forget that working on oneself is not indulgent – it is fundamental, basic, a vital need if you want to show up as the best version of yourself, in all walks of life. Cultivate your self. Not the self that you think you should cultivate, the one that gets passionate, that gets excited, that gets engaged – that’s the self that you want to grow & flourish & share with the world.
Copyright Tamsin Astor, Yoga Brained LLC, 2015