Friday I turned 39. My life has changed dramatically in the last year. A year ago, I was living in a very unhappy marriage, trying to keep it all together for my children’s sake, but increasingly realizing that I was not happy, deep within myself.
Now I’m separated – for 11 months I’ve considered myself ‘not-married.’ My children notice the differences – my middle child commented recently that I was a really happy person and my youngest told a friend of mine, that it’s annoying when her brothers’ fight, and that mommy & daddy used to fight, but they don’t any more & that that’s really nice.
My children have adjusted to shuttling back and forth between two homes. The different parenting styles that my former husband and I had when we lived together are now more starkly apparent to my kids. I still refuse to buy sweet sugary cereals and instead make my own granola. I don’t allow TVs in bedrooms, and have parental locks on the computers. Differences – not rights or wrongs.
The biggest change I’ve seen in myself is my desire to seize the day! I’ve always been a quick decision maker; someone who jumps at the new experience. But I’m now better at saying, if I can articulate it, exactly what I want and feel! I don’t feel the need to bite my tongue for fear of angry responses: I realize, now, that staying quiet doesn’t benefit anyone in the long run.
I’m less willing to accept behavior from new people in my life, that I feel is unacceptable: I am establishing expectations right from the get-go. The corollary is that I’m also much more able to be vulnerable and say I love you, this hurts, you make me happy – even if I don’t know how the recipient will react. Because, what I know now is that love is not perfect and may not last forever, and I want to grab every opportunity to revel in it. My kids hear it multiple times a day from me! This, for me, is a big deal. I feel my openness is a huge & beneficial aspect of my life transition.
People reach out to me: they share their concerns and worries with me because they know I won’t judge them. I will listen, I will process and I will aim to help if I feel I can.
While I’m sorry my relationship ended – for our sake, for our children’s sake – I’m so much happier now. As a result of this experience. I feel more authentic; that I’m living as the real me. I jump at any chance to celebrate my life – whether it’s joining a friend for a last minute dinner, jumping on a plane & heading off to explore a new city with new friends, throwing a last minute party, and not being hindered by the dog hair and laundry.
Also – wow – I feel amazing! As a 39 year young woman, with three kids, who’s doing work I love (teaching, coaching, yoga), I’ve never felt so beautiful, vibrant and present in my life.
Here’s to the next year and starting my 40s! Go for it – don’t allow fear to hold you back. Do that thing that you’ve been wanting to do – get that tattoo, call that guy, shave your head, go back to school. Have you noticed that you generally regret not doing, rather than doing?
“Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own future. Make your own hope. Make your own love. And whatever your beliefs, honor your creator, not by passively waiting for grace to come down from upon high, but by doing what you can to make grace happen… yourself, right now, right down here on Earth.” Bradley Whitford (Josh Lyman in West Wing!)