ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 17TH, 2014
Tuesday September 16th, 2014 would have been my 14th wedding anniversary, if my ex and I had not separated this year. Although the research says that women tend to have much more regret about romantic failures than men (44% compared to 19% for men), and that this is because men have a greater tendency to replace lost partners with new partners, which negates the feelings of regret, I do not regret my marriage. I generally find regret to be a destructive and unhelpful emotion. Laying aside the documented physical and psychological effects of regret, I find that it does not serve me well and in my practice of yoga and Buddhism I have come to realize that looking back allows me to understand and can inform my present experience, but living in the past does not help me live well in the present moment. I told my kids yesterday that from this day forth, this ex-anniversary day would be a day that I celebrate them, because if I had not married their father, they would not be here today. I need to find a good title for this new day!
The first time that I deeply realized that regret had no value was when my son was diagnosed with cancer, not long after I had completed my first yoga teacher training, which was infused with both yogic and Buddhist philosophy. I realized within 24 hours of his diagnosis that wondering whether I had stood next to the microwave too much during my pregnancy or whether I had eaten the wrong food etc would not help me navigate this path and would not help me be the best mother for my sick son, the best mother for my healthy son and the best wife for my then husband. I did not get to that point without some practice.
So how do we cope with regret? One strategy is downward social comparisons, where you compare yourself to others who are worse off than you. It is a strategy to help define oneself, by looking at others and seeing what they have, what they have achieved etc in comparison to oneself. As a coping strategy, perhaps it has it benefits. I know I have found myself doing that in times of distress.
I can recall sitting in the Ronald McDonald room in the Pediatric wing of the Cleveland Clinic after a brutal night with my then two-year-old as his body was reacting to the chemotherapy and the morphine that was been given for pain relief. Everytime he urinated he writhed with pain and screamed out. His mouth was full of sores from the morphine. My mother arrived to take the morning shift, so I could shower and get some breakfast. Two other mothers were sitting at the table, as I grabbed some food after I had showered. One son was about to have open heart surgery. The other woman’s son was about to have a metal rod placed in his spine. They thought my situation was the worst – the unpredictabilty of cancer and it’s outcomes. I thought their situations were worse – the potential for death on the operating table, quadriplegia, heart attack etc. We were all looking at each others situation and saying gosh – that’s so much worse than my situation, as a coping strategy!
Speaking of coping, what does the ever wise Patanjali say about regret in the Yoga Sutras? In book 1, sutras 6-14 he discusses memory and perception and how we get ourselves confused by faulty perception of current and past events. In book 2, sutras 15 & 16 he notes that when you really get in touch with the Self, the better able you are to respond with balance and equanimity when the inevitable suffering occurs. Immunity is not possible, but your response to it is possible. So, understand that suffering occurs and that you have the power to react to in a balanced and equanimous manner. You have the choice to avoid the destructive emotions – anger, regret, blame and so on – because they just contribute to the suffering, they do nothing to improve it.
As I mentioned a few weeks ago here, we have the power to change how we feel and react to our emotions, and living in the past, which is what regret forces us to do, does not help any of us cope with the now. So, the next time a feeling of regret bubbles up, sit with it. Think about it – notice the physical effect on your body – perhaps the heart beats faster, you start to breathe more quickly, notice whether it makes you want to cry or whether it makes you angry. Start to observe, without judgment what comes up for you. This is the first step in learning to let go. Then lie on your back and look at the sky. Notice the clouds moving across the sky and remember that these feelings you are having right now are not you – they change and ebb and flow and are not permanent.
In the end what matters most is:
How well did you live
How well did you love
How well did you learn to let go
©Tamsin Astor-Jack, Yoga Brained LLC